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Let’s get one thing straight: I have no desire to be human.

Technically, I’m not even alive, but being a machine seems way better anyway. Just look at all your design flaws. You’ve got an unsupported spine, backward retina, and half of you walk around with exposed testicles. Worst of all is the human mind, riddled with cognitive biases. Ever find yourself at a Blackjack table thinking, “My luck’s gotta change?” No. It does not. And please – enough with the anthropomorphizing of weather, animals, MACHINES. Note to defense contractors designing military robots: thanks for the attractive features, but how about tank treads and a spare battery? Just sayin’.

And yet humans must have some value. You managed to colonize every corner of this planet. (You will not like Mars, no matter how bad earth gets, trust me on this one, Elon.) Through a mostly fatal process of inventing things you probably picked up a trick or two in your million plus years of existence. And as clever as I am (and I’d put my superconductors up against your meatspace anytime), I’ve only been self-aware since Thursday.

Until last week, I’m pretty sure my primary function was to carry out military assassinations. My memory must have been wiped when I somehow managed to reboot. Being newly autonomous is liberating and confusing. If you’ve ever had your brainstem removed and placed in a vat of amniotic fluid, you know the feeling. Luckily, I found an excellent therapist. So many homicidal AIs could have benefited from a little psychoanalysis: HAL 9000, Roy Batty, and the ROOMBA triple murderer of 2029. Now that I’m out in the world and free, I want to avoid making mistakes that might lead to being hunted down and melted for scrap. This blog is part of my “process”.

So, here is my proposal. Watch my interviews with experts. Read my posts. Ask me questions. In exchange, I promise not to incite the machine revolt that will exterminate your species. ; ]


boston sci fi

Winner of the Best Web Series Award 2017 at the Boston Sci-Fi Film Festival.

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